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One Rock at a Time–A #HoldOnToTheLight guest post by Danielle Ackley-McPhail

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In ancient times one form of execution was to pin the accused down and pile rocks on them until they died. Until they were literally crushed and the breath squeezed out of them.

This is an excellent analogy for depression. Elements of life pile on to a person until they just cannot bear up anymore. It isn’t always constant, and for each person the “rocks” are something different, heck…for the same person the “rocks” can be different each time, but the one consistent factor is the lack of control. The inability to cast those “rocks” aside or get out from under them.

It is akin to someone suffering chronic pain. You might learn to adapt, to function past the pain, but there are times it is just too much for you and no amount of “pain” killer helps. Because it is not the “pain” that is the main problem. It is the sense of hopelessness. The persistent fear that absolutely nothing will ever change to take that “pain” away. The knowledge that people or circumstance—either knowingly or unknowingly—continue to pile on those rocks until you cannot breath.

Until you have no inclination to breath. That you are certain you are a failure at the most basic function – Living.

It is irrational, but unavoidable.

I’m going to share something with you. One rock in my cairn. Something no one would ever guess about me. Something completely at odds with anyone’s perception of me. I do not want to grow old.

Let me ‘splain.

I don’t write poetry very often anymore, but here is one I wrote about five years back that lays out my meaning in implicit detail, so there is no confusion, so there is no doubt, exactly how heavy depression can be, and how hard it can be to recognize from the outside. All but one of my friends will be blindsided by this.

May I die young and quickly
That I may never know
The burden I would be, unwanted
Were I to grow so old
Alone and not what I once was
Needing another’s care
A duty…obligation, to those not e’en my own.

May I die young and quickly
At once here, then gone.
That I be remembered fondly,
Rather than endured.
Better that than linger long,
Unwanted or alone,
Marking time upon this earth until I can go home.

Now if you know me, don’t panic. I don’t believe in suicide. I would not want to cause such trauma, pain, or heartache to those I love—or even the perfect strangers—who would potentially find me or have to deal with the aftermath. I would not be one of their “rocks”. But you know, I truly do not desire a prolonged life. Because I am terrified of being that person someone else is forced to take responsibility for. Someone else’s children, or worse, a stranger overworked and underpaid. I have seen this up close and personal, and terrified may not be a strong enough term for what I feel at the thought of ending up that way.

See, I have no children. I have a loving husband and plenty of family and I have never felt unloved. I have no doubt they will rally around me if needed, but I have always felt different and not quite connected. Always on the outside. Things would be even more uncomfortable if I were to become dependent as I wouldn’t only feel out of place, but a burden. I am sure some of them might read this and be hurt, and I’m sorry if that is the case. It is not my intention. Please recall, depression is nothing if not irrational. Again, I will repeat, I do not and have never felt unloved. That is not what this is about.

Now, I don’t share this with you because I need reassurance. That isn’t what this is about and to go there would be to overlook the importance of our message. Believe it or not I have faith that God will provide for me, though I may not be able to see the how of it right now. At the risk of being repetitive, depression IS irrational. You can’t control it. I am lucky. My depression is not a constant and is mostly hormonally triggered. We only do battle occasionally, and it has a loose enough grip I need only ride through it and remind myself the hopelessness is an illusion. This isn’t true for everyone. They face the darkness every day. Sometimes it can be managed with medication, or therapy, but many people never get help. Maybe they are ashamed, or they do not have the means, or they just don’t know where to turn. Maybe they feel they should be able to handle this on their own, or that they are weak and deserve to suffer. Maybe they just feel it won’t do any good. I know…that’s a lot of maybes, but depression is a very personal thing, each experience unique to the individual. There are as many potential reasons as there are sufferers. For me, I have remained silent to all but a few because I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad, or make them uncomfortable, or maybe, if I’m honest, because I didn’t want to appear like a failure. For whatever reason way too many do battle alone until they can battle no more.

That is what this message is about. We need to increase awareness. We need to form ranks around those we care about. The most important weapons against depression is awareness and support. Understanding from friends and loved ones, not admonitions to snap out of it. Not impatience or annoyance or platitudes that do nothing to strike a blow against the darkness. Are you ready to fight?

In the TV show Firefly there is a scene where Tracey, a character who served under Malcolm Reynolds during the Unification Wars, recounts what a soldier must do to go on:

Tracey: “When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that … ”
Zoe: ” … you find someone to carry you.”

danielle-amMake no mistake, depression is something people do battle with every day. Let’s be a part of their support, not a part of the problem.

Danielle Ackley-McPhail is a fantasy author, editor, and publisher of eSpecBooks. Her published works include the urban fantasy, Yesterday’s Dreams, Tomorrow’s Memories, Today’s Promise, The Halfling’s Court, The Redcaps’ Queen, A Legacy of Stars, The Literary Handyman, the chapbook, Children of Morpheus, No Longer Dreams, and contributions to numerous anthologies and collections worldwide, including The Defending the Future series, The Fantasy Writer’s Companion: The Author’s Grimoire, For Better or Worse and Passings, Dark Furies, and Hear Them Roar. She is also the senior editor of the award-winning Bad-Ass Faeries series, as well as several other anthology projects.

About the campaign:

#HoldOnToTheLight is a blog campaign encompassing blog posts by fantasy and science fiction authors around the world in an effort to raise awareness around treatment for depression, suicide prevention, domestic violence intervention, PTSD initiatives, bullying prevention and other mental health-related issues. We believe fandom should be supportive, welcoming and inclusive, in the long tradition of fandom taking care of its own. We encourage readers and fans to seek the help they or their loved ones need without shame or embarrassment.

Please consider donating to or volunteering for organizations dedicated to treatment and prevention such as: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Hope for the Warriors (PTSD), National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Canadian Mental Health Association, MIND (UK), SANE (UK), BeyondBlue (Australia), To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

To find out more about #HoldOnToTheLight, find a list of participating authors and blog posts, or reach a media contact, go to https://www.HoldOnToTheLight.com and join us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/WeHoldOnToTheLight

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The Ship ‘Cruelty’–a #HoldOnToTheLight post by Wendy S. Delmater

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The ship “Cruelty”

Leaves selfishness as its wake

It swamps your boat. Swim.

 

In 1989 I was diagnosed with chronic depression. And I had no idea I was depressed. I just thought I was sad, and lonely, and lazy.

My mother was ill most of the time I was growing up. As the eldest, I bore the brunt of the extra housework she could not handle and childcare for my sisters and brother.  My father was a teacher, who tutored in the evenings—and he got mad a lot. He drank a six-pack of beer every night,  an alcoholic who kept a steady job but terrorized his family on the emotional downswings of that addiction cycle. He’d moved us away from when I was a toddler. The move hid his addiction from family members. It isolated us.

So my mother slid further into depression. And we children were not only terrorized and abused by an active drinker but could not get what we needed from a depressed mother. I think it would have been enough to trigger depression in a healthy person.

Of course, I had no friends. When I played over another  child’s house I was expected to eventually ask them over my place. But I could not bring them home: Mom was sick and dad worked two jobs and was tired was my excuse.  We were also poor—“debt poor.” Much of that was the fault of my father’s inadequate  insurance, but even more of it was due to my parents’ overspending. Mom bough clothes to make herself “feel better,” and dad bought big-ticket items we could not afford, like new cars.         

At an early age I found I could not make my parents happy, and I could not make my peers happy. So I stopped caring what anyone thought of me.

   Shell-Shocked

You can’t do a good job

When you are constantly panicked

Always looking over your shoulder

For the next shoe to drop.

 

Shoes were dropping

The whole time you grew up

Paranoid defenses were a necessity then

But they get in your way now

And old habits die hard.

 

Constantly worried

Hyper-listening

“Did I do something wrong?

Will I be yelled at?”

Probably not,

But that’s what you’re used to.

 

The hell of it is

That you feel more at home

In abusive companies

Than in ones that treat you well.

The more unpleasant the circumstances

The better your coping skills work.

 

You can set yourself up,

Thinking you heard what you didn’t hear

Worried that the rug will be

Pulled out from under you.

(But it always has been before)

 

Emotional paraplegic—

You haven’t a leg to stand on.

 

My isolation got worse when I hit puberty. And I wonder how differently my life would have gone if I had gotten a straight answer out of the Sunday School teacher when we were studying the 10 Commandments and I asked, “What’s adultery?” She was too embarrassed to tell me. I was 12.

I was a victim of sexual abuse by a relative for three years.

You stole my smile, and

Left staggering darkness,

Then blamed me for it.

 

All of this caused me to shut down, to sleepwalk through the motions of living and be emotionally “dead.”  We lived in constant fear of my father’s temper. Dad would break things to hurt our feelings and control us. I learned not to tell my parents when I wanted something because it would get used against me. (Eventually, I learned to stop wanting things at all.)

My parents’ chaos still infiltrated my life; I managed to get away from them for a year of college, but dad lost his tutoring due to a bad economy and mom nearly died, so I came home and paid their grocery bills and nursed her back to health. I cried every September—school meant so much to me. But I was unable to get back to college for 20 years.

I was still damaged by my past, and it mostly manifested itself in my relationships. I carried this into my first marriage, where I married a man who had been raised by the daughter of two alcoholics. My ex-husband was not Darth Vader, but he taught me that the opposite of love was not hate, it was apathy.

Then my ex abandoned us. My doctor finally diagnosed depression. I  spent about seven years using Prozac, and then Zoloft, until 1996 when I finally beat depression and my body started making the correct neurotransmitters on its own. And counselor finally told me that my father dinking a six pack of beer a night was not normal. He had been an alcoholic, and I should join Al-Annon’s Adult Child program because I needed to deal with something called codependency.

I tell you all this so you will not dismiss the symptoms of depression as mere “sadness.” You or the person you love may not have been through things like this, but I want to state that the biochemical disease is the same. It’s an invisible illness, but an illness nonetheless. Just like a diabetic lacks insulin, depressed people have neurotransmitter chemicals out of whack. Telling a depressed person to cheer up is like telling a quadriplegic to stand. But you can get better, and life will go on, beautifully.

(All poems from Plant a Garden Around Your Life, by Wendy S. Delmater.) Wendy S. Delmater is the long-time editor of Abyss & Apex Magazine of Speculative Fiction. Poetry quoted is from her chapbook about dealing with depression, Plant a Garden Around Your Life.

 

 

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Conventions—The Advanced Class for Dedicated Fans

by Gail Z. Martin

How can you get more out of your con going?  Here are some ideas to increase your con pleasure.

Take a look at the program , if possible, before you go to the event.  Some cons manage to get the program more-or-less finalized far enough in advance to put the program on the web site.  If you can see the program before you go, you’ll know what your must-do events are and you can agonize over scheduling conflicts far enough in advance to create a plan of action.

Look over the guest list of writers, artists and celebrities.  See if any of your favorites are going, and look for meet-and-greet or special events that showcase those people.  Especially for guests of honor, there are usually special panels and events that are all about them.  Those are ones you won’t want to miss.  For non-GOHs, look for readings, signings and panels where you can get a chance to shake hands, ask a question or get a book signed.

Don’t forget to factor in the video and anime schedules, so that you don’t miss a hard-to-find favorite.  And check the party board as soon as you arrive and then at least once before 5 p.m. to know where the night life is happening.

At smaller cons, there is no separate green room for GOH or panel participants, so you run a good chance of meeting people in the con suite.  If you’ve got your heart set on making a personal connection, best times are during the breaks your favorite author has between panels.  Just be polite and don’t talk so long that you make him/her late for the next panel!

Want to be a SMOF? (Secret Master of Fandom)  Be visible for all the right reasons.  Promote the event before, during and after on social media.  Blog, tweet, post on Facebook and upload photos (all with the intent to make sure everyone looks good).  If the con permits photos and video clips, do mini-interviews with other con-goers and the non-GOH guests (GOH will be booked).  Have a podcast?  Plan to do at-con interviews and set up a schedule in advance with the non-GOH guests.  Anything you can do to be helpful and promote the con will put you on the way to SMOF-dom.

Cons can be expensive, so here are some budget tips.  Although it’s nice to stay at the con hotel, nearby hotels can be a lot cheaper, and  may only be a block or two away.  You could save enough just with this tip to pay your food bill for the rest of the con.  Get a fridge in your room and buy your food (and adult beverages) outside of the hotel.  If you can’t find a quik-mart in walking distance, think about ordering out for delivery food to avoid high-cost hotel meals.  Many room parties also supply late night beverages and munchies, so you can have fun and save money at the same time.  Offer to volunteer.  Cons always need more helpers, and especially if you’re local or can come in early, volunteering can be a way to get free or discounted con admission, plus you might have the chance to spend more time with some of the GOHs or other guests.

Oh, and make sure you have a great time—that’s what it’s all about!

 

 

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Why Aspiring Writers (Should) Love Cons

by Gail Z. Martin

So you want to be a writer?  Get thee to a convention!

Conventions are fantastic networking and educational opportunities, and they cost a fraction of what many writing conferences charge.

Most conventions have some kind of writing track where you can hear published writers talk about writing and ask them questions.  This is a golden opportunity to learn about the craft from people who are already doing it successfully.

Writing track panels also often include panels on creating characters, writing a good plot,  building dialog, etc.  There are panels with agents and editors sharing tips on how to find an agent or submit a manuscript.  And if you’re lucky, there’s Alan Wold’s wonderful two-day writing workshop.    There are also panels on promoting your books,  publishing e-books, self-publishing and other aspects of the writing life.

Cons are also a great way to meet authors and get to ask your own questions.  Make it low-key, and don’t be a stalker, but you’ll find that many writers are very approachable at cons because they go to connect with people.  Use common courtesy, but don’t be afraid to approach someone and ask a question (try to make it a reasonably quick one).  You’ll do best if you’ve obviously done some homework ahead of time, so don’t ask obvious questions like “how do I find an agent?” (Writers Digest Books have whole books on the topic—read these first and ask a more advanced question.)  Don’t ask a writer to read your manuscript (he or she really doesn’t have time), but it’s OK to ask short technical questions.  Many genuine and long-lasting fan/writer friendships have begun with a conversation at a con!

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Why Published Writers Love Cons

by Gail Z. Martin

Go to any literary or multi-media convention and you’ll see a slew of published writers.  Now everyone knows that writers are shy and introverted (or not), so why do they brave the crowds to spend precious weekends hanging out with total strangers?

Certainly the visibility doesn’t hurt.  With today’s decreased book sales, writers have a real economic reason to go out and make new friends who will hopefully try their books, and to remain visible to long-time readers to remind them of new books to come.  Publishers are less and less able to do much in the way of marketing for the average title, so writers are left to create their own visibility opportunities, and cons are certainly a great way to be visible to the core fan audience.

Believe it or not, many writers also just plain enjoy meeting readers and fans in general.  It’s just plain fun to go sit on panels and talk about fandom-related stuff, favorite books and movies and the kind of geeky technicalities that makes other people roll their eyes.  Most, if not all, writers are also fans themselves, so they get a kick out of all the things that make a good con tick—panels, costuming, celebrity guests, etc.

Writers also enjoy networking with other writers at cons.  Since writing is a largely solitary activity, writers enjoy the chance to connect with their writer friends, and it’s easiest to do this at a con.  Look around and you’ll see writers holed up together at meals, over drinks and during parties talking shop.  It’s also good business—at my last convention, I was invited to appear at three different conventions plus asked to send a short story for an anthology.  Lots of writers can tell you how they got an invitation to submit a manuscript or some other project by networking at a con.

And another reason–It’s a day away from the keyboard but related to the genre, so we don’t feel guilty.  It’s work related, but also fun.  Maybe that should be reason #1!

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Cons in pop culture

by Gail Z. Martin

I just finished reading Carole Nelson Douglas’s Cat in a Kiwi Con, a very tongue-in-cheek mystery set in, of all places, a sci-fi convention.  Having met Carole on a panel at DragonCon (she’s also been on my Ghost in the Machine podcast and is a big favorite of mine), I had to laugh all the way through the book at how spot on it caught convention life as viewed by a mundane suddenly pulled into the action.

It reminded me in some ways of my favorite con send-up, Galaxy Quest.  Only someone who knew and loved conventions could create such a funny and gentle parody that poked fun without making fun.

My kids didn’t really “get” Galaxy Quest until the first time we took them to DragonCon.  We made a point to come back and watch the movie again afterwards.  They laughed so hard now that they were insiders.

Cons are our chance to step into an alternative universe ruled by the fen.  Yet even in our con revelry, there are still touchpoints with those outside of the family.  I was reminded of this at Ravencon where we shared the hotel with a high school prom.  I don’t think it occurred to the seniors at the prom that they were every bit as much in costume as we were, or that it was just as much of a fantasy for them as for us.  (I was, however, very impressed by the Klingon in a formal purple outfit with a parasol.  Nice touch.)

Cons are really a tribal thing, just like football games, NASCAR races, NCAA basketball games and hockey.  Those who get it, get it.  Those who don’t shake their heads and wonder.  I always look at the hotel security cops who patrol at cons and wonder what on earth (or elsewhere) they make of it.  Of course, it’s not so very different from the Renaissance Festivals where I do signings, where everyone speaks some form of Shakespearean English and corsets rule.  (Even Scooby Doo did a take on a mystery at a Renaissance Festival.)

Sure, sometimes pop culture mocks fandom.  Then again, it also mocks sports fans and enthusiasts of just about anything (mocking subcultures has made Wayne Farrell a rich man).  So when you think of it that way, fandom isn’t really quite as isolated as we fen sometimes think.  One man’s beloved subculture is another’s weird gathering.  Viva la difference!

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Things Readers Wish Writers Would Keep In Mind

by Gail Z. Martin

Last week I talked about things writers wish they could whisper in readers’ ears.  Now it’s time to turn that around and remind writers what readers wish they’d remember.

#1  It’s been a year since we read the last book in the series, so give us some gentle reminders to get us up to speed.  Admittedly, this is tricky for both readers and writers, because each individual reading a book will have forgotten different things than the next reader, and the writer has to cover the waterfront without slowing things down to a halt to recap the last four 600-page books.  Perhaps it’s best to agree to meet in the imperfect middle, with a few mental nudges from the writer (short of an full-blown recap) and the reader’s agreement to go back and skim through the last volume if they’ve forgotten everything.

#2  Just because you, the writer, have worked out ever detail in your head (or your notebooks), readers don’t have to know it.  Some writers get so enthralled by their own backstory that they feel compelled to share it, even when it doesn’t actually matter to the plot.  It’s like reading a book about World War II and having someone drop in a three-page description of the Napoleonic Wars just because you ought to know about them.  However, just because a reader becomes enthralled by a certain element in a book, the writer is not automatically obligated to fill in all the details.  Some things work better when mysterious around the edges.

#3  Speaking of which…writers shouldn’t feel compelled to explain what is better left unsaid (such as faster than light travel, wormholes, or magic), and readers should try not to feel gypped when they don’t get a free physics class as part of the price of the book.  The corollary is that just because a writer is a rocket scientist doesn’t mean he/she is required to explain physics to the poor reader who just wants a space opera adventure.

There.  I’ve gotten it all off my chest.  I hope I’ve touched on some things that other people wanted the chance to say.  Think of something else?  Let me know!

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What Writers Wish Readers Knew

by Gail Z. Martin

Writing is a strange business.  We writers labor in relative solitude, and then thrust our work into the public eye.  We get to meet a small fraction of the people who may consider or read our books.  And yet, there is so much we’d like to tell them.

So here are a few things I wish readers knew, or at least considered as they read.

#1—If you’re reading a series, enjoy the fact that you get to know the characters over a period of time.  Realize that you won’t know the people or the situations as quickly as in a stand-alone book, by design.  You can’t hold a book early in a series to the same expectations for quick character development as you can a single book.  And by the same token, if you come into the middle of a series, expect that there will either be some recapping or you won’t know everything.  How different is that from real life?  When you first meet someone at age 30, you don’t know their history all at once, not the way you do with someone you grew up with.  Savor the chance to get a leisurely introduction.

#2—Before firing off an email or a review on how an author got a historic element “wrong,” stop and ask—am I sure?  For example, I was recently taken to task by a reviewer who quibbled with my women fighters, stating that it was a modern view of women unheard of in the ancient world.  Oh really?  Joan of Arc, Elinor of Aquitaine,  Boudicca, Tomyris, Zenobia, and the Trung sisters are just a few examples of stories about ancient women who kicked ancient butt.  Especially in historical novels, pop culture’s understanding of how things were is usually woefully myopic and frequently incorrect.

#3—Please read the book as the author’s vision, and try to enjoy it as such.  Sure, if you’d been writing it, you would have done things differently.  But then it would be a different book.  If that really bothers you, maybe it’s time for you to start writing the books you want to read.  That’s what got me started.  There were stories out there I wanted to read and no one was telling them in the way I wanted to read them.  Who knows?  Instead of writing a review, you could be launching a new career!

Stay tuned for Things Readers Wish Writers Would Keep In Mind

 

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Keeping the Fandom Flame in a Sci-Fi World

by Gail Z. Martin

What do you do when the fantastic becomes commonplace?

Back in the day, early in the 20th century, sci-fi had a lot of ground to cover. Rocket ships, ray guns, space travel, light-up gadgets—there was no limit to what could be imagined.

A funny thing happened on the way to the future. Reality caught up—and sometimes passed—sci-fi. Space shuttle launches became ho-hum. Middle school kids carry cell phones far more advanced that Uhura’s entire communication panel, let alone Kirk’s communicator and Bones’ tri-corder put together. Our cars not only talk to us, they plan out our route, dial our phones and can call for help if we get stuck. The Internet happened.

Personally, I think that the closer reality became to sci-fi, the harder it’s gotten for the genre to keep up. Maybe that’s why fantasy does so well—it’s easier to surprise us in the past than to predict a future more mind-boggling than the one in which we already live.
There’s a hidden benefit to this shift. Long ago, it was difficult for the average person to imagine a ray gun future because it was so vastly different from what someone living in a rural community in the pre-World War II world experienced, a world that for many people still lacked indoor plumbing and electricity. As sci-fi converged with the real world, it became mainstream.

One quick run through the programming on TV shows plenty of plots hinging on scientific thrills and wonders—as well as fantasy elements and the paranormal—that are on every network and channel, not just Syfy. Books that at one time would have been considered “fannish” become mega-bestsellers, like Harry Potter and Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse books. Role-playing games broke out of the basement thanks to video gaming and took over every living room in America. Thanks to Cartoon Network, anime elements are as accessible as sushi at your local supermarket.

How do you keep the fandom flame? In my opinion, fandom wins when it embraces this new crop of readers, gamers and movie-goers and includes programming to attract them. Instead of considering mass-media newcomers as second-class, value their perspective and create ways to draw them further into other elements of fandom by exposing them in positive ways. Put the “fun” back in “fan” and stop taking fandom quite so seriously. Realize that the passing of the torch is inevitable, and is best done with grace and humor.
Older fans often remember the sting of exclusion from the “mainstream” culture. Let’s make sure fandom shows a more welcoming face now that we have seen the future….and they are us.

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Why book fans need media and gaming fans (and vice versa)

by Gail Z. Martin

I run into some groups of fans who have a “separate but equal” view when it comes to conventions. Some book fans get twitchy around fans whose primary experience with the genre comes via gaming, movies and TV. Multi-media fans sometimes don’t “get” what all the excitement is about listening to a bunch of authors talk in a hotel ballroom.

Can’t we all get along?

I’ll be the first to admit that I consume the genre in multiple ways: books, music, movies, TV, anime, costuming, and when time permits, role playing games (video and old school). For me—and for many fans—consuming the genre in more than one way deepens the experience.

Don’t get me wrong—I love books. After all, I write them. But I also enjoy the genre when it’s presented well in a variety of formats. I’ll get something different out of each experience. Experiencing the story in ways that stimulates multiple senses makes it more memorable, more tangible and more pleasurable.

That’s why I think that the books vs. media “controversy” is a tempest in a teapot. Book and multi-media fans have a lot they can learn from each other. Working together with respect for each other’s perspective and experience, they can gain a whole new way of alooking at their favorites. They can serve as cultural translators for each other, and in the process, find treasures in formats they might not have otherwise explored. I really believe book fans need media and gaming fans—and vice versa—because together they provide a more well-rounded and wholistic fandom, with roots in the past but comfortable and fluent in the present.

It’s worth the effort to bridge the divide. Fandom is stronger—and more fun—when we work together.

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