By Danielle Ackley-McPhail
From the first days of my conscious thought I have always been creative. I have told tales and given free rein to my imagination. I’ve created worlds on paper, in my head, for my toys, friends, and anyone else who would listen. And—eventually—for my fans. I have lived with my muses for a very, very long time.
I live to be creative. To make something awe-inspiring out of nothing but a thought.
It kills me to not be creative.
I am dying inside.
Since 2014 the stress of life has become a barrier between myself and my muses. The death of loved ones, friends, pets… The struggle to provide for my family. My failure to do so. Losing my job. Losing my house. Moving in a long, slow, painful process that feels as if it will never end. Still not knowing how I’m going to meet my obligations. Needing to find a job.
My muses and I are rarely on speaking terms anymore. Or maybe I’ve just become deaf to their voices, too soft to hear over the clamber of all my other worries. Pushed back by all the other responsibilities. Even just writing this article has been a struggle. I despair of every being creative again. Believe me. That doesn’t help. The panicked jibbering in my head at that thought drowns the muses out even more. Depression kills my passion and my joy, but I refuse to let it triumph and kill the heart of me.
I remind myself that today is not the day. But that does not mean tomorrow isn’t. Or the next. Or even years from now.
My creativity might not come when I expect it. When I need it. But that is not today’s concern. Today I must survive. I must manage what responsibilities I can. Deal with whatever crises rise up before me. Because no matter how dark today seems, there is always tomorrow. Each time I wake up to a new day, it is a win. I will not surrender my life, my creativity to despair. I will not hand it that victory.
Over the last three years I have had to focus on survival, but that does not mean my muses have been silent. I have written, there have been fleeting moments of inspiration, and once I find my feet again, my sisters will be there, ready once more to whisper in my ear, to share new worlds with me.
And I WILL share them with you. If I do not give up.
Never Give Up. Never Surrender.
#HoldOnToTheLight is a blog campaign encompassing blog posts by fantasy and science fiction authors around the world in an effort to raise awareness around treatment for depression, suicide prevention, domestic violence intervention, PTSD initiatives, bullying prevention and other mental health-related issues. We believe fandom should be supportive, welcoming and inclusive, in the long tradition of fandom taking care of its own. We encourage readers and fans to seek the help they or their loved ones need without shame or embarrassment.
Please consider donating to or volunteering for organizations dedicated to treatment and prevention such as: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Hope for the Warriors (PTSD), National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Canadian Mental Health Association, MIND (UK), SANE (UK), BeyondBlue (Australia), To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
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